There's something that's not passing me
It wears a disguise with glazed over eyes
There's something I'm not getting here
When I'm staring Endlessly into computer screens
There's always someone working harder
Always a catcher hook
There's always a younger version
That's somehow already miles ahead of you.

I'm far away from self destruction now
I'm strong enough to stop my falls
thought I'd feel better about this
Instead the opposite of sadness seem to be feeling nothing at all
I'm holding on to what I think I know
Knowing that if I ever chose to let go
there would be nothing left to celebrate
Just decades buried under pathetic dreams
The best years of my life wasted playing shows that none of my friends want to go to on a craft that we cant survive on a job that doesn't pay
How much longer will you wait
How much longer can you wait
How many times must I leave and come back
will you still remain
Busyness has become me - a gadabout
its better than being alone with my thoughts though I rarely tire all I work on neither blooms nor expires
I will build this home around us
I will fill in all the blanks
A decade spent saying "this is the hard bit"
Surely somethings going to crack
I will learn to fix what's broken
I will learn the language of the banks
I will try to talk less to myself
I will try and stay Intact
There is still hope within
Things are better now than they've ever been
I will learn to slow down sometimes and not take it as defeat
I regret more of the life that has passed me
with every year this dred catches up to me
the running never works out in the end it just tires me out and yet
I still pretend that every project has meaning and I'm not just keeping myself distracted from the dull pain that my head it's what keep me going forward
Even if this doesn't get me anywhere I think I'm passed the point of to care I'm in too deep now to give up
let the negative consume me
let my world burn with no remorse at all
I believe that every shipwreck out at sea provides a warning encased in spectral beauty to save all those that come after it
If I eventually crash and burn let me be an example
And if I stay on course please flick the stage lights on once more let's repeat routines forever